Before this year ends, I just want to write about the experiences I’ve had all throughout the year. I know I was a mess. But you really can’t blame me. After all that has happened in my family, coping with depression and sadness is really hard. You just can’t expect someone to snap out of if especially if you are broken deep inside. I’m glad that I’m alive but I’m deeply sad too and wishing that my son was still here with us. I miss him everyday and what I wouldn’t give to see him again and feel him by my side. I am happy that I was given a chance to be married with the one I love and I know that he loves me so much so I’m totally grateful for it. I am happy that I still have a job and I keep getting myself busy for the sake of being distracted. I love it. I know I’m pushing myself up to the point of exhaustion but I don’t know what else to do. I tried sitting and doing nothing and I just end up bawling my eyes out. It is the worst feeling in the world ever and is the scariest thing in the world. It is haunting me every time and it’s no joke to hide your feelings. It’s hard to see your son die right in front of your eyes. It’s hard to get out of the picture of him in my mind looking straight at me while nurses tried to revive him. I have never been that helpless before. Up until now, I can feel my throat tightens and my eyes start to fill with tears.
I know that he is with God and happy. But I can’t stop thinking about beyond that. You might think I’m crazy, maybe I am and I don’t know. But whatever.
I need to move on but he won’t be forgotten. He will always be remembered and he will always be loved. I love him with all of my heart.
For this coming year, I’d like to be my better self. I’ll keep trying to cope with the sadness and be happy with my life together with my husband. I will keep myself busy and be grateful for all the blessings in my life.
Happy new year!!