Before this year ends…

Before this year ends, I just want to write about the experiences I’ve had all throughout the year. I know I was a mess. But you really can’t blame me. After all that has happened in my family, coping with depression and sadness is really hard. You just can’t expect someone to snap out of if especially if you are broken deep inside. I’m glad that I’m alive but I’m deeply sad too and wishing that my son was still here with us. I miss him everyday and what I wouldn’t give to see him again and feel him by my side. I am happy that I was given a chance to be married with the one I love and I know that he loves me so much so I’m totally grateful for it. I am happy that I still have a job and I keep getting myself busy for the sake of being distracted. I love it. I know I’m pushing myself up to the point of exhaustion but I don’t know what else to do. I tried sitting and doing nothing and I just end up bawling my eyes out. It is the worst feeling in the world ever and is the scariest thing in the world. It is haunting me every time and it’s no joke to hide your feelings. It’s hard to see your son die right in front of your eyes. It’s hard to get out of the picture of him in my mind looking straight at me while nurses tried to revive him. I have never been that helpless before. Up until now, I can feel my throat tightens and my eyes start to fill with tears.

I know that he is with God and happy. But I can’t stop thinking about beyond that. You might think I’m crazy, maybe I am and I don’t know. But whatever.

I need to move on but he won’t be forgotten. He will always be remembered and he will always be loved. I love him with all of my heart.

For this coming year, I’d like to be my better self. I’ll keep trying to cope with the sadness and be happy with my life together with my husband. I will keep myself busy and be grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Happy new year!!



Untitled. Again.

Actually, I just have the urge to write right now. Anyways, there are so many things that has happened to us lately. I don’t know if God is just testing our faith, or just my faith specifically because I felt like I was going to die. My blood pressure is way too low everytime I go to my OB and have a checkup. And then there was this infection I’ve had with my lower lip I looked like someone punched me in the face. It was swelling for two to three days. It was so gross, too. And also, my baby passed away. I just can’t get over it so I’m distracting myself up to the max level because I had to. Or else I’m going to end up bawling and feeling like ripping my heart out and breaking into million pieces. People say I had to move on. But how can you move on really? I’ve been asking myself that question ever since. It’s not that easy. They didn’t know what really happened that day. What I felt when I was talking to the doctor early in the morning. I just woke up, then!!! I was sobbing when she was talking to me and I felt so helpless then. I didn’t know what to do. We rushed to the hospital, checked our baby and I cried so many times I lost count. I didn’t want to write the gory details of it but let me tell you it haunts me every time. People did not see what I saw. They never even felt like your heart felt so empty, like your whole being was going to fall apart and then you felt like floating and weighing something heavy on shoulders. No words can describe how awful and heartbreaking that moment was. I still can’t believe it happened. To me. Of all of the people in the world. I still don’t understand but I’m trying to.

It gets even worse when people asks you what happened casually. As if that would make me feel better telling the story or telling that my baby died.

Then I can’t help myself but daydream about my baby adam. How he would look like when he was two, five or how cute he would be when he was alive and with me and doing all those little movements that a baby would make. Yeah, well… Shit happens.

Okay. I have to stop I feel like crying already.



A letter for my son

Baby, I don’t know where to start. Actually, it pains me to write this letter but I just had to express what I’m feeling or I’d lose my mind.
I didn’t know I was risking your life when I didn’t rush to the hospital when I saw blood. I thought it was one of those episodes when I just had a spotting but it became worst. Sorry if I already failed you, my little angel. I am so sorry that I couldn’t even talk to you when I went to see you. I was so shocked I guess and worried that I’d break down and cry. I did not speak at all. I just looked at you. I saw your heart beating and I feel like you were having a hard time because of the tube in your mouth. It hurts like hell whenever I remember you like that. I want to kick myself. I want to give you everything, baby. I swear to God. I am not even kidding. I want you to survive and be with us. I want to spend every moment with you and see your smile, hear your laugh, hug you tight, kiss you, cradle you, touch you, feel you and love you. I remember the time when I confessed to a priest and he said that I didn’t really fail as a daughter. All I could do to turn it around was to be a good mother to my child. I feel like I failed already and it hurts so bad. I am so, so, sorry. If I could just give my own life to you, I would. I don’t want to see you suffering like that. If I could just feel all the pain you were about to feel, I would not hesitate to receive it all because I love you so much. But I know and I believe that you would make it through. You would be okay and we would be together again. I love you, baby adam. Your father and I will be waiting for you. It’s hard to promise that I will not cry, but I will try my best to be strong. Know that I am missing you every second. Know that you will always be the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up. I love you so much.

We are still lucky enough.

We will be waiting for you and I hope to God that you are well.

Words are not enough to express my love for you.

Your mom,


Bun in the oven

I’m embarking a new journey and… It’s been pretty wonderful and terrible all at the same time. At first, I didn’t want to believe that I have a baby growing inside me since I really couldn’t feel my baby inside. But it changed when I saw him/her inside me, you know via ultrasound. It’s amazing how life could form inside of you and it’s fucking scary that you are pretty clueless about the whole thing even if you do read a lot of stuff over the internet. It’s way too different when you’re actually experiencing things yourself. Like the first kick of your baby, the way he or she moves around and you feel like he or she is swimming inside you not to mention the fact that you could see some part of your tummy bulging or something, the morning sickness, the never-ending food addiction all you wanted to do was to eat every 3-4 hours or between meals, the emotions you couldn’t even handle yourself, finding yourself more exhausted than ever, everything you feel affects your baby and believe me I want to cry whenever I think about this because I am an emotional wreck and I worry about the effect on my baby… Like a lot of times, I have this urge to punch people especially when they kind of nudging my tummy (e.g. On the bus). Um, hello??? What if the driver hits the break and the person sitting next to me accidentally elbowed me so hard??? Omfg! Seriously. I can’t wait to see my baby!!! 3 and a half months to go! –chreenikki


It felt so right!!!

Yesterday was soooooo much fun!!! Marwin and I had our prenup shoot and all I can say is… It was amazing and tiring. I didn’t know the shoot would last for a day. My feet were about to get blisters (thank goodness it didn’t happen) I think when I wore the heels for the “Formal” shoot and I was trying real hard not to twist my leg. There were so many shots and as the day wore on, I felt like I became more tired than ever. We had photos by the stairs, by the corner, sitting by the round table just talking, talking by the table looking like we were going to burst out laughing in any minute (or maybe it’s just me), by the railing, by the trunk of the tree, below the tree, riding the bicycle, kayaking, by the bridge, by the botanical garden, by the huge door (actually it’s the museo’s entrance but whatever), walking and by the fountain… OH MY GOSH! I just can’t remember everything. It’s too good to be true!!! 

Yeah, and you know what? Marwin even broke the news to me that there was a spider on my top. And WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE PADDLING because I changed my position so that we were facing each other for the photo shoot. Oh, God!!! And there were even more spiders approaching me from behind and in front of me. Yeah. It’s not like I can shoo them all away. We were going to fall if I kill them all. What was worst is… the spider can float in the water so all they have to do is jump like hell when I flick them away from the kayak and they came running back to me. Like what on earth??? Get off from our kayak!!!

But it was fun… Really. And I didn’t know it was so hard to pose. But I was smiling like a mad woman all the way except from the start and I was trying to fight off the fatigue. Marwin seemed like he was enjoying the shoot though he said a few points to me like it was unfair that I know how to smile… But really, he looked so good and when I looked into his eyes (whenever we get instructed to do so for the photos) I felt like I was trapped and all I could is just stare at him and smile like a total idiot. You see, I really have the hots for this guy. Even if we bicker like kids. And it never goes away, the attraction, I mean. Because I actually fall for this guy every freaking day. That’s the truth. (Even we have a small fight or I am annoyed or something…. still he is still the same guy I fell in love with… from the moment we talked like we were have a connection or something. Ha!!! Then I saw him and I was like, “Damn it!!! He is so good-looking, what do I do??!!!!!!” and then it went on and on and on for days until we met for our date night and until we became a couple. It’s just crazy, just thinking about it. But it’s one of the amazing and wonderful moments that I would forever cherish as long as I live. It’s like a freaking miracle, to be honest. And I’m lucky to have him by my side. :)

Anyway, back to the story!!! After the photoshoot, we went to Yellowcab and treated the couple for a snack. :) Because Ate Anne did my makeup and her boyfriend took our photos! God, I cannot wait to get the photos!!!!! THEY LOOK STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL I BET. I got to see two photos only… When we were by this huge door and the one under the tree with the bike behind us. It was freaking awesome!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!! I can’t wait! I can’t wait! I’m super excited! Even the baby can feel my excitement. Thank goodness he/she doesn’t flip inside me like hell. Oh, my!!! But really, thank you Universe!!! It’s such a wonderful experience.

And by the way… We saw Maleficent last night and I was completely happy by the end of the movie. I really loved the ending!!! :)



“I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.”

—  Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them